issues with big groups

damn! why is it so hard for me to fit in a group?

the only times i ever had a group of friends that i can remember, it was in argentina, 2 other guys and me, yeah, that's a group. because its more than 2 people, and we seldom talked, we just played videogames.

after that i made a few good friends, but never had a group to hang out with, I really tried though.

I've been to many countries and in mosts of them, I tried to fit in with countless different groups of people, including: punks, squatters, heavy metal fans, RPG groups, vegans, vegetarians, hardcore fans, sXe's, surfers, hippies, budhists, are khrisnas, skeptics, office workers, homeless, english teachers, rock climbers, students, scientists, backpackers, engineers, and sometimes even unemployed bums like myself.

but failed miserably every single time. never got to hang out on the same group for more than a few weeks.


It seems my personality re-shapes itself to become the opposite of what the group is. In a pointless act of rebellion.

So the reason why I couldnt fit in any group, is because everytime i am on one, i become everything the group hates.


so even though i totally agree with the group ideas i would somehow find a way to challenge them in an obnoxious arrogant way that makes me an asshole in front of the group, for some reason.



why I do that? I have no idea!!!
 

i do have a few theories though. one of them is that I like being the center of attention and if i think the same as everyone else in the group i would go unnoticed.

other one is that I cant keep up with social pressure, and most groups of friends they expenct you to act on a certain way, dress, think, talk on a certain way, go to places and keep in touch. and for me is just too much pressure the idea of "having" to do something because its the norm and everyone else does it.

other theory is that maybe i just dont like groups, and i feel more confortable by myself or with just one person by my side

usually someone weak, that I can control and influence and will never outsmart me or put me down, so i keep being the brightest star and feeding my selfish ego.

that's how manipulative I am. or maybe not.

maybe i haven't yet found a group of friends that's adequate for me.

i dont actually quite understand why i do that, yet, keep pushing people away from me. and when they try to keep in touch I'd just ignore them or act coldly.


I was hanging out with backpackers a few days ago. and they were using words like "chillaxed" and "explore" and carrying a big backpack on their back and a smaller one on their chest, lonely planet guide books, cameras, and stopping to take pictures every 5 minutes. for some reason that made me uneasy and made me feel like i didnt belong with them, because they were very different from me.

but actually they are just nice and positive guys, trying to have a good time, same as me, I have no rational reason whatsoever to dislike them. and they are usually kind to me.

I tend to focus on the differences I have with others instead of the similarities. but even if they had been clones of me, and think exactly like me. i would have surely found a reason to dislike them.


 so, that's one more thing for me to work on, trying to appreciate the similarities i have with people, try to join a big group, and stay on it.